Banned forever!

BANNED FOREVER!

"One slip of the tongue cost us our granddaughter"

By Susan Hoffman

"Dear Susan,

"On the surface our life looked perfect, but behind closed doors our family was falling apart. A feeling of emptiness and heartache consumes us because of our lost access to our little granddaughter. Not a day goes by when I don't think of her.

"My DIL [daughter-in-law] Beth and I used to be so close: She and I would make tufa pots in her yard, go to nurseries looking for plants to put in them, show and sell our final products locally. We had a lot of fun. She and my son lived nearby, making get-togethers all the more convenient. They came to Mexico for visits, skied in Colorado with us, ate dinners out; and then we shopped for baby clothes together.

"One day everything changed. I still play it over and over in my head trying to figure out what exactly happened to completely sever all ties between us. What did I say or do in the backyard that summer day to make her and my son so mad that now we are forever banned from their lives and from our young granddaughter?

"Our calls and e-mails went unanswered, so on Easter morning a few weeks later, my husband and I went to the house to deliver a basket for our granddaughter. When our son answered the door, he was fuming as he glared at us and then refused to accept the Easter basket. He admonished us for coming over unannounced and told us to stay away. We were in shock.

"From that day on there was no further communication from our son or his wife. We didn't give up though; we sent heartfelt letters, "thinking of you" cards, gifts, and even hired a mediator-nothing worked. The gifts and cards were never acknowledged, nor were they returned.

"It has been almost three years since we have had contact of any kind, which amounts to almost half of our granddaughter's life since we have held her, played with her or talked to her. We sent Presley a birthday card last week, but who knows if they even opened it. One time I saw her from a distance as she came out of her school; it was wonderful to see her, but it made me sad.

"Coincidentally, we live just three blocks from them, but it may as well be 3,000 miles. There have been a few awkward moments when we have passed them in our car or on bikes, not sure what to do-we just waved and kept going. Our reasoning is that if they don't see us as a threat, maybe they will let us back into their lives. That is our hope.

"Keeping up a façade can be exhausting. One day my neighbor asked, "Where is your son? I haven't seen him in a while." I reluctantly admitted that somehow Dave has the notion that we did not accept his wife into the family and therefore, decided to distance himself; we can only ascertain this information secondhand, as he no longer speaks to us. My neighbor was not shocked: He then shared his story about how his daughter had not been around for 15 years. He went on to say the daughter wrote them once stating that she would reconsider allowing them back into her life and let them see the grandkids if they sent $50,000.

"Susan, at first it was embarrassing to tell anyone, especially since I thought that I was the only one this was happening to. As time went by, it seemed everyone had a similar story. I no longer felt alone."

-Alienated Grandma Laura

Laura's experience is a heartbreaker, and she's right: It's happening to families everywhere. Talking about it brings great relief to disenfranchised grandparents. Talking about it to other grandparents experiencing similar circumstances can be a godsend. Once we learn that we are not alone and that this is happening to many others, then we no longer have to endure the suffering in silence. It lightens the load and lessens the stress.

It is humiliating to admit that our own children can be so cruel and that they are treating us with such contempt to the point that we have been locked out of their lives. We all want to be proud parents and then look forward to enjoying the rewards that go along with grandparenthood-and when it all crumbles, then we ask ourselves: "Where did I go wrong as a parent?"

While it is natural to blame ourselves, at some point we need to let go of the guilt we harbor and realize it is the adult children who have made these choices and may very well need to take ownership for their behavior.

Visitation issues hover over many families and sometimes never surface, and this may be attributable to the temperament of personalities or perceptive intervention of those heading it off at the pass before it becomes a problem. My friend refers to her DIL as "THE LAW." She saw it coming and has taken preventative measures by adapting her own behavior so she can remain within the acceptable boundaries. This may sound rigid, but that is the world we live in; if grandparents want a free pass, then they must follow the rules.

All it takes is a slip of the tongue before there is an unintended consequence, and suddenly a switch goes off and grandparents find themselves on the outside looking in. There is no room for egos or the need to be right. The parents hold the keys to the kingdom, and they are in control. Without them, there is no visitation, especially when the family is living in an "intact" situation (such as Laura's). Although every state does have grandparent visitation statutes, few include the "intact" criterion, (standing to file a petition when the parents are married and living together). In these situations, grandparents must rely on their own resources, including support from others rather than legal avenues.

"Unreasonably denied" visitation has become a growing social problem affecting many families. Everyone suffers, especially the child who doesn't understand and feels abandoned when the attachment has been broken, along with a loss of affection. It is a form of emotional child abuse, so it is the grandparents, by lending their voices on behalf of a child, who are finally speaking out and setting themselves and all of the skeletons in the closet free.

What would YOU do?

GRAND invites you to e-mail us with your advice for this heartbroken grandmother and also tell us your own stories of being denied access to your grandchildren. We'll forward your responses to author Susan Hoffman.

Susan Hoffman is director of the 501(c)3 Advocates for Grandparent Grandchild Connection and author of Grand Wishes: Advocating to Preserve the Grandparent-Grandchild Bond.

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Comments
suzyq728 Thursday, July 15, 2010 @ 3:52:58 AM I am also going threw something similar. I have 4 grandchildren, first 2 by one dad, second 2 by another dad,(whom was also my daughters husband). My older grandchildren, (the first 2) & I were very very close. the oldest being 11, second will be 7. For the 11 yrs of my gd life she has lived w/.me on & off, as well as her 7 yr old brother, along w/their mom. Then she met & married her husband, & had 2 more children. The first 2 being step-children were not treated very well by there step-dad! When my gs was a yr in a half, step-dad slapped in the face leaving a mark. I told my daughter, who was 8 months prego, and she assured me she would take care of the matter. Well she did the husband told her i was no longer welcome in his home, and she told me to leave. The hitting/slapping of both older children continued, i would see it, and again talked to my daughter, telling her i thought he was abusive, I also asked her if he was abusive to her, she said no, and that if i ever told anyone about this she would see to it that I would never see my grandchildern again! Some how for some reason, I believed her! The other grands, I was not aloud to see until they were about 2 & 3, which made a relationship with them hard. Today, my grandson, who was born a happy healthy baby boy, now suffers from ADHD, emotional behavoir problems is on meds & in a special shcool. I know he was called names by the step-dad, told he was no good, and slapped around. I dont just believe I know it to be true because I as well as others witnessed this. 4 yrs later my daughters husband walked out on her, (biggest favor). She wanting to move on with her life, immeditaly started a new relationship. I had my gs living with me. I kept my mouth shut for 4 yrs while my grandchildren were physicaly & emotionlay abused, & now my daughter ripped them out of my life, tells me I can not see them, told them horror stories about me, which makes them afraid of being with me, the only person that kept them safe threw the 4 yrs od hell, and now they dont even trust me. To say my heart is broken is a understatement. I am a mess. I have been seeing a physcirist,(i boched that word up LOL), on zoloft, and my every waking moment is spent crying. Sometimes I cry out of nowhere. All I keep thinking about is the time we are apart, time I can never get back with my babies. And why are we apart? I finally spoke up, I could not let the abuse go on anymore. My daughter true to her word, will not let me see my grandchildren, and worse, the 2 little one are now in the custoday of there abusive father. My guess is the law is in favor of the parent who has the most money & of course a lawyer! This is how we protect our children, this is how we mesure there happiness. Dear God I pray for the children everyday, and for all the grandparents going threw this.... Susan nana1145@crystalpacific.net Thursday, July 15, 2010 @ 10:00:59 AM My heart goes out to anyone who is out of their Grandchildren's lives. My husband and I had no contact at all for two years and two months with two of our Grandkids. They were 5 and 2 at the time. I do not to this day understand why. I sent cards, letters, left gifts on the porch , shells in the garden, etc. There was never a response. We did not exist. I sent a final letter asking for forgiveness for anything I did..my daughter sent a note saying I forgive you. About a month later she called on my 60th birthday and we have contact infrequently but at least I am allowed to see the kids once in awhile. It's been almost 4 years now that we have some contact. I am grateful but it is not the same as it was before the estrangement. I think a couple of books helped me to overcome complete collapse during the 2 years of seperation. 'Man's Search for meaning' by Viktor E. Frankl and 'Left to Tell ' by Immaculee Ilibagiza. I didn't feel as sorry for myself after reading these books! We sometimes have some separation problems with our son and his wife now....they kind of punish us and we don't see their three children for as much as a month at a time if we don't live up to their expectations but it's never as difficult as it was with our daughter. I recommend a series of CD's by Joyce Meyer called Extreme Personality Makeover....I have changed my behavior and response toward my Children and it has helped most of the time. "Everything changes when you do "..Also, find a hobby or passion. It helps! pegdel Thursday, July 15, 2010 @ 11:48:59 AM I'm reading these comments and they are killing me. I am only 6 weeks into the break with our daughter. She, her two daughters 3 and 1 , and babydaddy (what else do I call more than a boyfriend but not married?) lived in an upstairs apartment in our home, rent free traded for upgrading they did. After only 4 months they left. I interfered - my grandaughter was callin mom, mom, mom over and over and my daughter never answered her. I said my daughters name with a question, and that was the interference. Her man comae down and said as long as they lived in the apartment ( in my home) I was still not welcome upstairs. I exploded- thats not happening. He took the kids and my daughter and left, returned with police because he thought we might not let him in to get his things. I am boggled that this happened. I must have been doing something wrong before for this much hatred of me to explode. I did see the kids all day - in the backyard, wake me up for a game of "toe monster" . I can't fathom that it has gone this far and I can't see them anymore. I am writing my daughter a letter of apology, and will beg forgiveness, I don't care if any of us are more right or wrong, I either can't sleep, or can't get out of bed an antidepressants aren't helping a bit. Does anyone have a different ending? How they got back in the lifes of their grandchildren? GrandmaPeggy Ps I have a beautiful relationship with my 8 year old grandaughter, but I only see her once every other week or so. Is this what has to be? ( she lives 2 hr away). Enough Already Saturday, July 31, 2010 @ 5:46:35 AM I am not a grandparent yet. But I watched my parents suffer through the anguish of not be able to see their 2 granddaughters. My brother died in an aviation accident. Prior to the accident, my parents enjoyed a loving and warm relationship with their granddaughters. That all changed almost immediately after my brother's death. My sister-in-law along with the approval of her family started to put conditions on when and if the girls would visit with my parents. No invitations to birthdays, no overnight visits, no visits to the girl's home. Visits would be at the approval of my sister-in-law - she would decide the date, the length of the visits, etc. My parents were going to go through the courts to be able to get set visits for set times, but decided not to when it became clear to them that at some point the girls would be asked by the judge if they wanted to see their grandparents. They did not want to put the children through that especially since that had already lost their father. My parents never knew when or how long the girls would be able to visit. As time went on, visit became sporatic and there was always doctor's appointments, etc. that would make it necessary for the girl's to leave early. The girls would be dropped off by some member of my sister-in-law's family and they would sometime return to pick them up within 45 minutes. My parents would hear the horn blow in the driveway and knew that the visit was over. My father was diagnosised with Alzeheimers soon after my brother's death. This fact did not soften my sister-in-law's heart. He died in 2003 and my mother died after being diagnosised with cancer in 2007. One of the last visits with girls had with my mother was days before she passed away. My sister-in-law came and my mother truly believed that she would have apologized for keeping the girls away since their dad died. Unfortunately, she did not. Pat Hanson Wednesday, August 18, 2010 @ 11:36:10 AM I identify deeply with 'banned forever.' This happens more than we'd like to believe it does. I am an invisible grandparent also. Writing letters helped me heal the hole in my heart that not being able to grandparent caused. The backstory of why I haven't seen an 8 year old granddaughter in four years, and am only partially visible to a ten year old grandson who doesn't realize I'm a relative is on my website www.invisiblegrandparent.com. In the last three years I have written and kept dozens of letters in hopes that someday, these children who are part of my gene pool will read them. I have also written others I have no intention of ever sending, in order to free myself of negative energy and work toward forgiveness of both myself and others. While it is my fervent hope that deeper reconciliation will take place in my family; I hope that others like us who read and identify with our stories begin a similar healing process. Please check out my website, comment on any or all of these letters and let us all know the ways you’ve handled your own invisibility. Pat Hanson Wednesday, August 18, 2010 @ 11:40:48 AM Forgive me if this comes up twice. I think I just submitted this, but maybe not. I identify all too closely with 'banned forever.' Writing letters helped me heal the hole in my heart that not being able to grandparent caused. The backstory of why I haven't seen an 8 year old granddaughter in four years, and am only partially visible to a ten year old grandson who doesn't realize I'm a relative is on www.invisiblegrandparent.com. In the last three years I have written and kept dozens of letters in hopes that someday, these children who are part of my gene pool will read them. I have also written others I have no intention of ever sending, in order to free myself of negative energy and work toward forgiveness of both myself and others. While it is my fervent hope that deeper reconciliation will take place in my family; my goal is that others like us who read and identify with our stories begin a similar healing process. Please go to my website and comment on any or all of my letters and suggest ways for all of us to deal with the separation. Thanks.